# So Puffball The Cockerel Has Gone All Bruce Lee In The Coop



## OnlyMe

New hens x 8
New Cockerels x 2

One of the Cockerels/Roosters, called Puffball must be the reincarnation of Bruce Lee. 

He is lightning fast, walks around you as if you're in a boxing ring with him, then goes for you all Kung Fu style.
Now I've tried talking to him and negotiating but to no avail, either I take up Kung Fu or stay out of the coop?

What to do?


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## robin416

LOL Go in wearing armor. You can talk and negotiate till you know what freezes over, he's made his decision and he's not going to change it. 

There's only two options and one of them isn't that he goes to live with some other flock.


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## OnlyMe

robin416 said:


> LOL Go in wearing armor. You can talk and negotiate till you know what freezes over, he's made his decision and he's not going to change it.
> 
> There's only two options and one of them isn't that he goes to live with some other flock.


Hmmm, this keeping chickens lark isn't easy is it?

He seemed ok for the first couple of days. He kinda wandered around the per


robin416 said:


> LOL Go in wearing armor. You can talk and negotiate till you know what freezes over, he's made his decision and he's not going to change it.
> 
> There's only two options and one of them isn't that he goes to live with some other flock.


I really don't understand it though, it would be like me going up against a 
Tyrannosaurus Rex and without any weapons. Yet fully convinced that I was going to win.

I mean he is the size of a kids balloon, and not much heavier either. What on earth is going through his pea sized brain?

Anyway I've got a welders mask, leather body suit and gloves, and seem knee height rubber welly boots for tomorrows encounter. I will try and talk him down, but I have no experience with chicken psychology.
I am however very familiar with dogs and they can be trained to lose aggressive behaviour, so I'm hoping this approach is going to work with Puffball.

Though I have this horrible feeling deep down he has some kind of psychopathic issue like that of Hannibal Lecter with the fighting passion of Bruce Lee.

I will have nightmares tonight of him cooking me in a large pot!


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## robin416

I needed that laugh. I really want to hear how this issue between the two of you progresses. 

Some of those little guys are just plain evil. I had one that was just onces in size. He had this thing about human men. That little body would stalk them and then launch his attack. I watched him chase grown men like his diminutive size could inflict any damage. 

I would catch him stalking his prey and call his name. His look was "who me, I wasn't doing nuthin'" then he'd stroll away until I wasn't looking and begin stalking his target again.


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## BantyChickMom

Been there, done that! I swear bantams are the worst, lol.


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## dawg53

You can play football with him. You're the kicker, and he's the football.


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## Poultry Judge

Try making peace with some mealworms, they will generally drop whatever devil's work they are doing to eat worms. While he eats, try having a rational chicken psychology discussion with him, explain his options and consequences of his life choices. Tell him you have both a refrigerator freezer and a chest freezer. Explain to him that he does not wish to choose the vocational path of human fighting rooster! At the age of about five, I do remember my grandmother handing my brother and I rolled up newspaper and making us chase her bad rooster to establish the pecking order. I remember thinking it was mean at the time. She made us do the same thing with the geese. With the geese, it was all territorial. With one particular rooster, I'm not so sure. He would do the ambush thing from an arbor and I think he enjoyed terrorizing children!


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## Poultry Judge

Please keep us posted, love the name Puffball.


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## OnlyMe

robin416 said:


> I needed that laugh. I really want to hear how this issue between the two of you progresses.
> 
> Some of those little guys are just plain evil. I had one that was just onces in size. He had this thing about human men. That little body would stalk them and then launch his attack. I watched him chase grown men like his diminutive size could inflict any damage.
> 
> I would catch him stalking his prey and call his name. His look was "who me, I wasn't doing nuthin'" then he'd stroll away until I wasn't looking and begin stalking his target again.


They're really odd aren't they?, I wish I had done some research before getting him.
It all went well to start with...

Fully suited up with welders mask, leather gloves and leather gardening suit. (heavy duty one that you can work in the middle of the bramble bush in) And knee height, thick rubber wellington boots. (the sort you could walk over burning coals in)

From the moment I walked in Puffball did nothing at all, I sat right beside him and he ran in circles around me almost as if an old friend had joined him.
Anyway we chatted for about 20 minutes when I started to get really hot as the sun broke through the clouds. I asked him if it was ok to take the suit off and I swear without a lie he actually nodded.

So I removed the gloves, took off the welders mask and continued to take the leather suit off. I guess this was the point when I had my trousers around my ankles that he decided to go all out 'Bruce Lee' again. Not only that but I fell to the floor because I could not run and he then stomped on my back as if he was trying to ground me into some type of mealworm.
I crawled out the coop to find my neighbours pointing and laughing, so to be honest I've never felt so humiliated in my whole life.

I can't understand whilst suited and booted up he did nothing but appear like my new best friend?

Surely they can be trained somehow?

Would wearing one of those adult chicken suits make any difference?


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## robin416

Your neighbors need to get a video camera fired up. Or their phones. Anything that can capture the comedy going on in your coop. 

You and Puffball will probably always be at odds. It's how he's hardwired and I doubt there's anything you can do to change that about him. At least you know he's one heck of a defender when it comes to his ladies. 

You never said what breed he is. Is he a bantam or a large fowl? Bantams can be dealt with pretty easily. Large fowl? Keep the protective gear on when in the coop.


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## RitaS

OnlyMe said:


> They're really odd aren't they?, I wish I had done some research before getting him.
> It all went well to start with...
> 
> Fully suited up with welders mask, leather gloves and leather gardening suit. (heavy duty one that you can work in the middle of the bramble bush in) And knee height, thick rubber wellington boots. (the sort you could walk over burning coals in)
> 
> From the moment I walked in Puffball did nothing at all, I sat right beside him and he ran in circles around me almost as if an old friend had joined him.
> Anyway we chatted for about 20 minutes when I started to get really hot as the sun broke through the clouds. I asked him if it was ok to take the suit off and I swear without a lie he actually nodded.
> 
> So I removed the gloves, took off the welders mask and continued to take the leather suit off. I guess this was the point when I had my trousers around my ankles that he decided to go all out 'Bruce Lee' again. Not only that but I fell to the floor because I could not run and he then stomped on my back as if he was trying to ground me into some type of mealworm.
> I crawled out the coop to find my neighbours pointing and laughing, so to be honest I've never felt so humiliated in my whole life.
> 
> I can't understand whilst suited and booted up he did nothing but appear like my new best friend?
> 
> Surely they can be trained somehow?
> 
> Would wearing one of those adult chicken suits make any difference?


I'm sorry but it is funny. I hope there's something to train him. I'm new so no help at all


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## OnlyMe

robin416 said:


> Your neighbors need to get a video camera fired up. Or their phones. Anything that can capture the comedy going on in your coop.
> 
> You and Puffball will probably always be at odds. It's how he's hardwired and I doubt there's anything you can do to change that about him. At least you know he's one heck of a defender when it comes to his ladies.
> 
> You never said what breed he is. Is he a bantam or a large fowl? Bantams can be dealt with pretty easily. Large fowl? Keep the protective gear on when in the coop.


I'm yet to learn the names and terms for chickens. I've heard the word bantam before but I've no idea what it means, large fowl? well not really, he is the size of a child's balloon and not much heavier. But somehow he sucks air through his mouth and puffs up to the size of an extremely large over inflated beach ball thing. It's a bit like watching the incredible hulk in a live format.

I must admit the closest I had ever got to a chicken before all of this was at KFC.
I've been around ducks and fed them at the pond though, but they all seemed rather sweet and never once tried to rip every arm and leg from my body every time I sat with them.
I've made a mistake and it's because when we picked up the hens somebody said you need a cockerel.
So I looked through the free adds for my area and somebody was giving away 3 of them. I went and picked them up on my own and just thought the people would have a box.
Sadly they leant me a large budgie cage with the door missing. I was only supposed to get one, and the one I chose came out of the coop and sat in the cage, he was grey and is called 'Darren'
Yet within a flash this white thing appeared and rammed itself into the cage bulging the first one through the bars.
I said to the lady I did not want him but she couldn't get him out. He had blown himself up like a beach ball.

Unluckily Puffball decided to deflate when driving him home and he got out!

I would not recommend anybody to ever drive a car with a cockerel running around.

Anyway after driving them home which is normally a 20 minute trip, 2 hours later I pulled up on the drive. Mistakenly I put them straight in with the hens and before I knew it and wish not to send this post political, but the coop within seconds looked like the morning after a rally.

Carnage, feathers and chicken poop was all I remember seeing, and most of that was on me.

The neighbour says the cockerels are silkies, the hens are rescue hens from the battery farm.


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## OnlyMe

RitaS said:


> I'm sorry but it is funny. I hope there's something to train him. I'm new so no help at all


Don't whatever you do get a cockerel!


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## robin416

Silkies are bantams. Although I'm assuming you're in the UK from some of your verbiage. There are large fowl Silkies in Europe. I just don't think that's what you have. Your description says bantam. See my avatar? That's Silkie hen.

Puffball can't hurt you. I know because I raised hundreds of Silkies and not all of the boys were a pleasure to deal with. And don't think you'll ever get him to not want to rip your head off. It's who he is and will always be. 

You're learning by firing squad at this point.


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## Poultry Judge

Thank you for the update! I'm with Robin, I think that might be how Puffball is hardwired. However, if you spend time with your flock every day, you may be able to desensitize him a little bit. On my farm we do a chicken, turkey and duck count every morning and everyone is very conditioned to the a.m. mealworms, it's just part of the routine.


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## Sylie

Bantam refers to size...they are "miniature" chickens, large fowl refers to regular sized chickens. 

I think with patience and treats (remember they are treats! not food) you could win him over.


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## OnlyMe

Many thanks for all the replies, some great advice filtering through here.

Will update this post with any progress I make. Still trying to understand why he was perfectly fine when I was suited up though? I've woke up this morning with a massive bruise on my knee so I'm hobbling around a bit today! 

Thanks again everybody, I came across this website in desperation and I didn't think I would find anything regarding a forum just about chickens. 

But I' so glad I found it!


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## robin416

It wouldn't have lasted. He would have gotten used to the look and been right back at it again.


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## Thomas Lippert

Seriously, that's been quite a post.


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## Poultry Judge

robin416 said:


> It wouldn't have lasted. He would have gotten used to the look and been right back at it again.


Yup.


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## Poultry Judge

Thank you for the post, let us know how things progress.


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## OnlyMe

I'll leave the politics out, I'm swayed neither way by politics!

Though if Puffball could work a way out to extend his size 200 times then I'm sure he would sort the whole world out.
I had a dream of that last night, 'President Puffball' sat on top of a mountain and the size of a house, pecking anything that dared to move.


I've built a hide in the top of the apple tree today, I've got a small telescope and have been keeping him under surveillance.
He walks around the perimeter of the coop all day long. Then changes direction and walks the other way. He looks like a prison guard, walking around the perimeter and is totally convinced he owns the joint.
A couple of times in my 4 hour observations he spotted me, he did a double take and then homed in on my position, tipping his head to one side and staring in a rather unsettling way. At one point I nearly lost my balance and after yesterday and what with the
neighbours, if I'm not careful I'll be carted off to a maximum secure hospital, totally against my will. 
But I never wanted Puffball anyway, he crammed himself into the cage when I had already chosen the grey one.

The other cockerel 'Darren' he just pecks at the ground with the other hens, not an ounce of aggression, and totally calm.

I'll update tomorrow as I'm going to see if spoiling him with tasty treats might work? Thanks for the suggestion to the posters that recommended this.


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## robin416

Just don't let it break your heart when he still comes after you. 

I would let him out just to see what he'd do with that extra space. Of course he's decided you're the human he has to annihilate so maybe some other human should have the honors.


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## Poultry Judge

That is too funny, I'm trying to picture you in the apple tree with a telescope. He is patrolling and he is very convinced he owns the place. I'm with Robin, see what he'll do with the extra space. I'm still holding out hope that you can break the cycle with some treats.


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## Poultry Judge

Make him work for the mealworms, only a few at a time. And don't give up, I'm not a chicken psychologist but you may have to get into his head. I've been doing this for a bunch of years and there are probably a few more things you can try. When I had my Emu flock, occasionally I would have to troubleshoot an issue with one of the dominant females. In that species, the females run the show. Sometimes I had to re-structure a run based on what fighting behaviors I had going on. I always tried to view the situation from their perspective and was usually successful. Those birds would cooperatively hunt you, especially at night and I generally never turned my back to them. I sold the whole flock last year because I realized I am too old to wrestle with them to do the vaccinations or chase them anymore. I worked with Emus since 1982 and learned a tremendous amount from them in those years. I think the most enjoyable time on the farm now is spent just observing, chicken, duck and turkey behavior on a daily basis. I still learn stuff all the time!


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## OnlyMe

Some really interesting comments here, thankyou so much for taking the time to reply...


I had a terrible night last night, I was up until 4 am thinking about it all, also my next door neighbour 'John' laughing at me when I came out of the chicken coop on my hands and knee's with my leather gardening suit around my ankles.

So at 8am this morning I went around to John's and said I would be out until mid afternoon and would he mind checking up on the chickens at midday and making sure they had food and water, I said if their was any eggs he could help himself. John has never kept chickens so he seemed quite excited.

I then went and sat up behind the garage with a flask of coffee and my telescope, I had a smirk on my face all the time imagining Puffball going all Kung Fu on him!
At 12:20 John walks up the path and I nearly blew my cover by shouting out, 'you're 20 minutes late' he was whistling that tune which I think is from Cindrella and the 7 dwarfs film, I've not seen the film but it goes something like this, 'I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go' and then John opened the coop gate and bowls straight in whilst still whistling.

Puffball didn't do a thing, he just kept walking around the perimeter of the fence as if nothing was wrong. I sat there with smoke coming out of my ears!

After calming myself down I thought deeply about it. Maybe it's something to do with smell. John must wear a certain deodorant that Puffball likes?
I popped into John's to thank him about 3pm, John was cooking himself something so I stood behind him chatting whilst trying to smell the scent coming from John. That's not an easy one to do without looking suspicious and I was still none the wiser, so I asked
him if I could use his toilet and in there was a roll on deodorant called Alyssa Ashley. I've never heard of it but I'll pick up a bottle tomorrow.

I then thought about making Puffball some tasty food, as suggested by you kind folk. I dug up some worms from the vegetable patch, picked some sweetcorn and used a pancake mix to bind it all together, popped it in the oven for 30 minutes and was
extremely proud of these small cakes that came out.
My wife wasn't though, she came home at 5:30pm and hit the roof, apparently I had used her best baking tins. She literally screamed at me if I didn't stop obsessing over that stupid chicken she was going to leave me.

I'll probably miss her as well when's she's gone, but their is no way a cockerel is forcing its way into my life and tearing it all to bits. I'm sure he was laughing at me when I sulked over there earlier with the cakes.
When I pick up the deodorant tomorrow I will take the cakes in and see what happens.

I think this might just work!


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## robin416

I need to talk to your wife. I need to see if she still possesses some amount of sanity after being married to you for however long it's been. 

Puffball has it out for you. You're his nemesis and he will do everything in his power to vanquish you. It appears as he is succeeding since he left the neighbor unmolested. He's waging a psychological warfare at this point.


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## Thomas Lippert

I am lazy my self my chickens are under 24 7 video observation. Even at work big brother is watching them.


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## Sylie

I'm glad that you decided to make some treats, I just have a bit of information that you might find useful next time.
1. pancake mix is not good for chickens, it contains far too much sugar. As long as it's only a treat now and then, once a week or less, you can get away with it. Same with bread, fruit yogurt, ice cream etc.
2. cooking the worms (if I understood correctly) didn't really do anything, by the time they are cooked, they are dead, chickens like their worms squirming, the thrill of the hunt. Next time you might substitute dried mealworms, they have a stronger smell to the chicken so he'll know they are in there. (just don't want you to waste your time and energy digging worms that he won't even know are in there  ) Plus, the pancake mix would drown out the flavor.
3. Go to a second hand store and buy a muffin tin specifically for this purpose, save yourself and your wife some screaming lol

Now that I've squashed your enthusiasm (that's my job! I'm really good at it! hahahaha j/k) there are several treats you can use to entice him to be your friend but please don't get your hopes up, once a roo has decided that you are the enemy, it's pretty hard to change their minds.
1. straight up mealworms are usually a major favorite
2. frozen (thawed) sweet corn is good too
3. frozen (thawed) peas
4. watermelon

Here is a very nice list of healthy treats that you could easily use to entice cooperation:
https://www.fresheggsdaily.blog/2019/08/healthy-chicken-treats-for-every-season.html


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## Poultry Judge

Yup, what Sylie said! No need to get into complicated treats. You may win him over eventually,or maybe not. I'm wondering if he has a literal pecking order authority conflict with you. The answer is somewhere in that little primitive pea size brain as to why he targets you specifically. I get a tremendous amount of mileage, goodwill and cooperation from mealworms. Keep us posted!


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## OnlyMe

I'm now printing out all of your replies as they hold so much valuable information. 


Puffball loved the cakes, we sat together in the coop with all of the others as if we were on a picnic. It's only when I got up to walk out he gave chase?

My wife on the other hand wants to know why I'm wearing Alyssa Ashley roll on deodorant which is apparently for women? 
I just said John next door wears it and I liked the smell, she looked at me in such a way that I don't even know how to put it into words.

Still I feel I'm getting somewhere with Puffball!


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## robin416

A grown man or at least I'm assuming an adult since you're married, is letting a little flightless bird to get inside your head. 

I still want to know what he's going to do if you let him out into the garden.


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## Poultry Judge

I'm with Robin, the garden represents unfamiliar territory. I was thinking about the cakes you made. During the late 1800's, the poultry books are full of recipes for cakes similar to what you made for all sorts of purposes, treats, medicinal, healing, conditioning etcetera. Glad you are making progress!


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## robin416

PJ, you know what I want to read, don't you? That the bird chased him around the garden relentlessly. 

What I think is going to happen is just as you described. He'll ignore OnlyMe until he knows the garden and then it'll be on.


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## Poultry Judge

My thoughts exactly, he won't go too far at first but he's more than likely looking to expand his territory. So now I'm thinking back to the chicken psychology portion of this. I wonder how he is triggered and does his gameness contain any emotional intelligence? He seems to exhibit some impulse control at times and chooses his targets. It may be just based on his perception of pecking order.


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## robin416

Most breeders won't use one that aggressive. They don't want to pass that trait down to the progeny. I did have one that was like Puffball, way over the top aggressive. I rehomed him warning the new owner about his aggressiveness. The report from the new owner was that he wasn't a problem at all. 

The new surroundings for some reason made him a better bird to have around.


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## Poultry Judge

You are right. There is an old chicken saying about how you never "keep a manfighter" and human aggressiveness is an undesirable trait from any angle. But, sometimes a change of environment works wonders and you get a bird with a totally different personality.


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## Overmountain1

Thank you for the laughs (and giggles too!) hahaha I do hope you find a workable solution... or simply keep him (as is) so we can all laugh about the antics. 
I have the opposite issue with my Banty roo.... he likes to mate with the back of my hand! Ewww and ouch!!  Maybe they can meet up and find some middle territory here!!


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## OnlyMe

Overmountain1 said:


> Thank you for the laughs (and giggles too!) hahaha I do hope you find a workable solution... or simply keep him (as is) so we can all laugh about the antics.
> I have the opposite issue with my Banty roo.... he likes to mate with the back of my hand! Ewww and ouch!!  Maybe they can meet up and find some middle territory here!!


I thought people might be getting fed up with the updates so I stopped posting...

I woke up this morning to find a note pinned to the refrigerator door, it read, 'This isn't working, I've gone to stay at my mums', not to sure what my wife is on about as I opened the fridge door and the light came on and everything was nice and cold inside?

She did ask John yesterday if he used 'Alyssa Ashley roll on deodorant' and he said no, but his daughter does. 
The trouble is now Puffball seems so much better with me when I'm wearing it, I mean though I'm going into the cage with treats he only goes all Kung Fu when I leave. I'm half wondering whether moving into the coop on a more full time basis might work?

For anybody wondering the coop is 32ft x 16 ft, full of swings, and branches. The house they go in at night is 20ft x 12ft and built like a hotel, so they really all do live in luxury.
I've also extend the run to another 32ft x 16 ft on the side. But they still look for a way out so I might have to increase it again.

The only one to escape so far is Puffball, he was found in the horses water trough by the girl that keeps her horses in the far field. Apparently he was sitting on the ball valve within the trough having a right good flap around, it was extremely hot that day and I have now built them a swimming pool in the second chicken run.


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## Poultry Judge

Nah, keep posting, post some pictures. You have the start of a good story or novella!


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## robin416

Something isn't quite right here, Silkies don't fly so all the swings and roosts would be going unused.

As to him going after you when you leave, back out. See what he does. Sounds like he likes sneak attacks as opposed to looking his target in the eye.


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## Whispering Pines

OnlyMe said:


> Don't whatever you do get a cockerel!


I have one, he is a silkie and he has a huge attitude problem! My grandson named him Bane... the name fits him perfectly! ‍♀


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## robin416

It's always a surprise to folks who get such sweet innocent looking birds that they turn out to be a hand full. I've had two in all the boys I ever raised and nothing changed their desire to come after me when they decided to.


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## OnlyMe

Hmmm, just spoke to the wife on the phone and she wasn't referring to the refrigerator not working, it was us she was on about!

She's as good as told me it's her or Puffball. I've asked her if I could have a few days to think about it.

My mum also called and said she is coming over tomorrow, this is not good!

Anyway some great response's and I like the 'backing out of the cage idea' concerning Puffball. I will certainly give this a go tomorrow...

Totally off topic and a true fact, did you know 99.9% of people who talk to their cats show signs of being mentally unstable?

Puffball told me that...


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## robin416

Still laughing. I'm becoming a true fan of Puffball. He's got you figured. And now he's run off your wife. 

This kind of reminds me of those Chuckie doll movies.


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## Sylie

you are hilarious, keep them coming, we can all use the giggles!


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## OnlyMe

I'm not finding it to funny at the moment...

My mum has been here all day, it was all ok at first and carried the caring nature that mums show, for example, 'would you like to see a doctor?', and, 'would you like to talk to a professional'?, I kept telling her the story of Puffball muscling in on my life and turning it all upside down, she wouldn't listen to a word I said.
In the end she lost her temper and said, 'do you really want a chicken put on divorce papers as the reason for your marriage failing?'
I then piped up, 'Puffball is not a chicken he's a cockerel, or Rooster as they call them in the USA'

Well that was it, she lost her temper quicker than a bullet leaves a gun and told me that Puffballs outrages were nothing compared to her blowing her stack. I thought I was going to be sent to my room at one point.
And now as I type this it has been pouring with rain for the last hour, for the past 15 minutes my mum has been staring through the kitchen window with a look of bewilderment mixed with frustration on her face.

I'll give her another 5 minutes and let her back inside again.


Earlier I went over to the chickens to clean them out, and thanks to the poster who suggested backing out of the cage whilst keeping eye contact with Puffball.

Puffball was up to his old tricks again but I now have a bag of mealworms. He breaks out of his Bruce Lee mode as soon as the mealworms hit the floor. 
After I had finished cleaning up I maintained eye contact with Puffball and slowly stepped backwards, this was going very well until around my 6th step and stepping into an old galvanized bucket behind me, I fell onto my back, Puffball jumped straight on top of me, and even Darren who is normally non aggressive started to join in, and the hens sounded as if they were laughing at me.
When I went back in the house my mum asked me, what happened?, I told her, 'I slipped over' but deep down I wanted to grass up the poster who told me to walk backwards out of the chicken coop.

I better go now and let my mum back in as she looks wet through!


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## robin416

I have no words. All because I'm laughing too hard to talk. 

I was going to say you shouldn't be left alone but now I'm beginning to think it would be safer for everyone to stay away until this thing with Puffball passes.


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## OnlyMe

My mums just left..

That's it, tomorrow morning I'm going on a strict training regime. My neighbour the other side of me has been out in their garden all day, I was quite disgusted to see them topless with a massive pair of breasts flopping around all over the place.

If it had been his wife it might not have been so bad!

I guess I'm not exactly fit either but tomorrow morning I'm up at 5 am to start running, this is turning into the biggest battle of my life!


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## OnlyMe

I'm not cut out for running, it started well for the first 30 seconds then I had to sit down, ended up half walking and half hobbling, somebody asked me if I was ok at one point, they said, 'you must of run miles' I said it feels like it as I pointed to my driveway gate about 40 yards away.
As I was walking along through the woods I noticed a suitcase, when I opened it their was a fox and 3 cubs inside, I immediately rang the RSPCA. The woman on the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving.
I replied, 'I'm not sure but that would explain the suitcase!'

If I wake up feeling like another run tomorrow morning then I'm going to have a sit down until the feeling passes.

Anyway their has been a new addition this morning, it looks like 2 chicks have hatched. I couldn't get a picture of the second chick yet. I'll update again shortly!


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## robin416

Finally, there's Puffball in all his glory. He looks so docile and so unintimidating. I wonder, what does that say about the human who is his keeper?

I thought for sure you're running was because Puffball was hot on your heels, working to finally take you down. 

Momma's look is "that's close enough, bub." I don't see Silkie in that peep. Who is the daddy?


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## Thomas Lippert

OnlyMe said:


> View attachment 34396
> View attachment 34398
> View attachment 34400
> View attachment 34406
> I'm not cut out for running, it started well for the first 30 seconds then I had to sit down, ended up half walking and half hobbling, somebody asked me if I was ok at one point, they said, 'you must of run miles' I said it feels like it as I pointed to my driveway gate about 40 yards away.
> As I was walking along through the woods I noticed a suitcase, when I opened it their was a fox and 3 cubs inside, I immediately rang the RSPCA. The woman on the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving.
> I replied, 'I'm not sure but that would explain the suitcase!'
> 
> If I wake up feeling like another run tomorrow morning then I'm going to have a sit down until the feeling passes.
> 
> Anyway their has been a new addition this morning, it looks like 2 chicks have hatched. I couldn't get a picture of the second chick yet. I'll update again shortly!


Fix bayonets and charge. Show that chicken McNugget who's in charge.


----------



## OnlyMe

John's been around this morning. 
You know when you're not in the mood for talking and someone just keeps going on about mundane stuff whilst looking over your shoulder to see where your wife is?
I kept nodding by head parrot fashion and just agreeing with everything he said, until I realised I'd just agreed with him when he jokingly asked, 'had I buried my wife under the patio'. 
The conversation ended abruptly when John started going on about how many kangaroos are killed in car accidents in Australia, he said more kangaroos were killed on the road in car accidents than that of people. I said it's probably true John as their arms aren't long enough to reach the steering wheel, with that he gave me a strange look followed by a long sounding 'yeah' and walked off.

The wife is coming around in a bit, she wants a chat and said she needs to pick a few things up, I will need to clean the bath out upstairs quickly as all the chicken feeders and water bowls are currently soaking in there having a good clean.

I will also update some pictures soon when the girl that keeps her horses here turns up, she loves the chickens.
She seems pleasant enough but between me and you I think she's a few stars short of a full universe.

Speak soon...


----------



## robin416

Uh huh, I know a couple of those people. They don't even get the hint when you walk away and close the door to the house. They're still standing there talking like you're right in front of them. Instead of talk to the hand, it's talk to the door.

The pot calling the kettle black? Once she sees you interacting with Puffball she's liable to move her horses to a safer place.


----------



## MadDojah

This thread has me cracking up! I love that I found this forum.


----------



## robin416

Yeah, there's something not quite right with OnlyMe. But the fact he's having fun is all that matters.


----------



## MadDojah

I may be a few stars short myself some days!


----------



## robin416

It's the best coping mechanism there is. Especially with today's challenges.


----------



## OnlyMe

Yesterday I got stung my a wasp. I rang the doctors and said what had happened. The doctor asked me where it was? I said I didn't know but it would probably be miles 
away by now. 

The wife has fallen out with her mum, she texted me to say she has no choice but to move in to the spare room back here. I texted her back to say I'd check with Puffball
if it was ok. I've heard nothing back as yet.
I think I need a holiday, John said he would look after the chickens so I rang the airline to see how much it would cost to go to Spain, she said, 'how many will be flying with you?, I replied, 'I don't know it's your aeroplane', and then she hung up, I find people so strange?

Puffball has learnt the art of slapping, he uses his wings like a wet towel rolled up. This morning he did it on my bare legs as I stupidly went in with shorts on. 
My eyes actually started watering. I will go and talk to him through the chicken mesh in a bit about the wife wanting to move back in.

The past few nights I have been studying all sorts of wild fowl. 
Did you know the duck-billed platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs but it also produces milk. 
This must be the only animal on earth that can make its own custard!


----------



## robin416

OK, there is nothing to say to any of that. I'm normally not a talker anyway but this has caused total silence on my part. 

Puffball has almost completed his training now.


----------



## OnlyMe

I think this one must be related to Puffball.






Another cockerel that's hard drive is spinning, but the operating system hasn't been installed!


----------



## robin416

That was funny but that bird was playing with fire.


----------



## Sylie

Not sure who the bigger chicken is...the chicken or the cows


----------



## MarkSmith

Watched my broody do that after calf ran after chicks. Broody didn’t stop though. She was after calf, and momma when she came running.


----------



## robin416

Yeah, I had a Momma bantam Hamburg go after a Red Tail Hawk when it tried to grab one of her chicks.


----------



## OnlyMe

Puffball said if the wife comes back then things have got to change. He as good as told me to treat her like he does with his girls. To never give her a minutes break and peck her behind whenever you feel like it and for no reason whatsoever.
I tried to tell him that humans don't treat their ladies like that. They like to be wined and dined, complimented, romanced and took care of. 
He disagreed, puffed himself up and got utterly annoyed, then stomped on one of his girls heads. 
Dialogue with Puffball is all one sided, what he says goes, anybody else that has ever tried having a conversation with a cockerel will know what I mean. 
Looking into Puffball's eyes I can see the lights are on, but oddly enough nobody's home.

Last night John was around, I've never spent so much time with him since the wife left!
I'm not one for gossiping but John took it really badly when he was sent to jail. He refused all offers of food and drink, used profanity that I can't repeat on here, and totally trashed the joint..

That's the last time I play Monopoly with John.


The wife is due back tomorrow so I will need to clean up the house now.


----------



## robin416

Ah contraire my friend, not all conversations with all cockerels are one sided. Too bad you didn't get a chance to meet my Shoester. Although now that I think about it since you're a male he'd be chasing you all over the property so it wouldn't have been a productive meeting. He listened when I called, he stopped misbehaving when I told him no. One day, maybe, you'll find that relationship with Puffball. Although I highly doubt it. 

John sounds like an interesting type. Maybe you should introduce him to the forum. We can fill him in on real life, not fantasies. Although you should probably make certain your wife doesn't have your login here unless you want her to return to her mum's for some reason.


----------



## Sylie

You are so hilarious, I look forward to your posts!


----------



## Poultry Judge

Explain to Puffball that if he is going to become famous, he needs to appropriately shape his public image and stop being mean to the hens and humans. He is a chicken living in the interweb age and like it or not, political correctness is going to be part of how the public perceives him!


----------



## robin416

Poultry Judge said:


> Explain to Puffball that if he is going to become famous, he needs to appropriately shape his public image and stop being mean to the hens and humans. He is a chicken living in the interweb age and like it or not, political correctness is going to be part of how the public perceives him!


Bravo


----------



## OnlyMe

I've passed on the message to Puffball about being politically correct..

For the first time ever he didn't make a sound or strut about with that sarcastic look on his face, instead he cocked his leg, released a high pitched noise which sounded like air being released from a balloon and then depositing something from his back end that very nearly made me sick.
I will try and work on his manners before he manages to get me booted off here as well...


I'm feeling quite positive today and I'm not one for bragging normally, but for the past day or two I've been receiving phone calls from my credit card company telling me that my balance is outstanding.

Can't wait to tell the wife when she gets here shortly!


----------



## robin416

Here is what was running through his brain the entire time you were talking to him. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, wonder when he's going to turn his back so I can take him down? Stop talking dude, I might have to make this a frontal attack just to show you your words mean nothing to me."


----------



## Poultry Judge

And you can't say he doesn't give a crap...because he did.


----------



## robin416

Poultry Judge said:


> And you can't say he doesn't give a crap...because he did.


LOL Took me a little too long to figure that one out.


----------



## OnlyMe

John's got haemorrhoids, he walked over to me last night like one of the chickens laying an egg. 
I told him to go to the chemist this morning and get some haemorrhoid cream.
He's just popped round saying he got an angry reaction to the cream, I asked him, 'where exactly did you apply it John?' he replied, 'on the bus coming back home' 
I really don't know how I attract such people into my life?

The wife and I sat down last night and had a good chat. Well she did the chatting, I just listened. She is certain that since Puffball has appeared here everything has changed. 
She thinks he is possessed and I really can't convince her otherwise. 
I believe the wife and Puffball have loads in common because once he has got something
in his pea sized brain then theirs no budging him, like it or not, it's Puffballs way or the highway. I daren't tell the wife that they are as stubborn as each other though.

Still, one good thing that did come out of our chat last night is that we have both decided that we didn't want to have children.

We're going to tell them when they come back from summer camp next week!


----------



## robin416

Maybe you should check that help wanted sign out on the front gate and tell us what it says. It might explain how John found you. And Puffball.


----------



## Poultry Judge

OnlyMe said:


> She thinks he is possessed and I really can't convince her otherwise.


At times we rule out demon possession far too early in the assessment process.


----------



## OnlyMe

Puffball went missing today, I went over to do something and he had vanished. I checked the water trough where he had been found before by the horse girl but he was nowhere to be seen.
I started to patrol the hedgerows until I started thinking about that scene in Jurassic Park where those raptures escaped from their electrified cage. 
I could hear noises and it became so unsettling I went straight up the tree hide I've built and looked out with my telescope. Not a sign of him anywhere.

At around 4:00pm I had a knock on the door from a policeman, he said somebody had complained about my cockerel chasing a small child on a bike. 
I said that Puffball didn't have a bike!
I'm seriously starting to worry about the mentality of mankind, I mean it's quite obvious that a cockerel couldn't ride a bike. Their legs aren't long enough to reach the peddles for a start off.

Anyway he is back now, just wandered along the garden path as if he had been out with his mates for the day. I'm sure he isn't going to be happy until he see's me ended up in a psychiatric ward.

The wife is driving me up the wall as well today, she told me I was putting on weight and getting rather round. Maybe I should go running again? On the other hand after the last time maybe not.
If I dared to even say to my wife that I thought she was putting on weight then I wouldn't be typing this now, I'd be on a life support machine!

It did get me all bothered though, I rang my doctor and told him my wife had said I was putting on weight, he said, 'Just don't eat anything fatty', I replied, 'what
no burgers, pizza's or sausages?' and he said, 'No fatty, just don't eat anything'

How rude was that?


----------



## robin416

You and Puffball have got to get on the same page somehow or he's the one that's going to end up packing his bags and running away from home. At least convince him he needs to answer when his name is called, even if it's in words that can't be repeated here. 

Just stay in the garden and let Puffball chase you. The fear will add to the calories being eaten as you run.


----------



## Sylie

I was going to say something similar to Robin, just let Puffball chase you around everyday, the pounds will melt off.


----------



## MadDojah

Poultry Judge said:


> At times we rule out demon possession far too early in the assessment process.


----------



## Poultry Judge

There's always that one Rooster!


----------



## robin416

Poultry Judge said:


> There's always that one Rooster!


Always.


----------



## Poultry Judge

Soooo....What's up in the continuing saga of Puffball? Did he get arrested by the policeman? Has he been a good citizen, contributing to his community? Has he been involved in any additional domestic violence charges? Has he reformed himself? Has he been rehabilitated?


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## robin416

I wouldn't at all be surprised to have Puffball answer your questions.


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## Poultry Judge

Inquiring minds want to know...


----------



## OnlyMe

John wants to buy my bicycle from me, he asked me what's the lowest I would go on it? I said about 2 mph John otherwise you'll fall off.

The wife and myself are not getting along again, it can't all be to do with Puffball? She suggested a nice relaxing break away in a hotel with spa and swimming pool for a few days and I thought it sounded an absolutely wonderful idea.
Anyway I've been trying to call her for the past 3 days and she's not answering, I have a sneaky suspicion that she wanted to come along as well.

It is lovely here but the staff are a bit odd?
Last night I phoned through to reception for a wake up call, the receptionist said, 'you're 53 years old, achieved nothing with your life and heading for a divorce'. 
The mini bar in my room is interesting, you can get the feeling of what a can of Pepsi is going to cost you in the year 2035, the food isn't bad either though the portions in the restaurant are quite small. 
Tonight I had fish & chips and asked the waiter when he brought the food over to me if it was a goldfish and was it dead when it was put on the plate, he said, 'yes sir, why do you ask?, I replied. 'well something has eaten most of the chips'.

I'm missing Puffball in a strange sort of way, he would love it here. I think he was a bit upset the other morning when I left, normally he does a 'Cockle Doodle Doo' as I wander over to feed the chickens, but he missed out the 'Doodle Doo' and just did a 'Cockle' instead?
Still I'm sure he will be fine as John and my wife are both around to look after him, I'll see Puffball again tomorrow when I head back home! 

I'll update properly when I'm back.


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## robin416

Want to retire as the Lord of Bairn or whatever that's called? Write a book about your life with Puffball. Call it My Life with Puffball. 

Of course you might want to wait until your wife decides if she's going to be in your life or not. And whether she can share in the spoils from the millions of books you sell.

And John can say, I know him! Which will make his life complete.


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## Poultry Judge

Perhaps a reality television series starring Puffball and you can be the script writer.


----------



## robin416

I think it would be important to see the interaction with Puffball so he should be in front of the camera too.


----------



## OnlyMe

Here's an interesting fact I found on the internet, did you know you burn more calories making love than you do running 10 miles.
And I'm left thinking who on earth runs 10 miles in 13 seconds?

Well I got back from my break away and wandered straight over to see the chickens. The welcome back was not how I imagined it to be one bit. Loud piercing screeches, 
followed by sheer bouts of pure aggression. 
And that was just the greeting from the wife halfway to the coop.
She finally finished blowing a gasket and went back in the house. Calmness returned briefly for a minute or two, then Puffball clocked me and went off in the same alarming manner the wife had just gone at me. 
Had they been collaborating? I swear Puffball is behind all of this. Maybe he sees the wife as one of his hens and I'm the problem?
I did notice that his 'Cockle Doodle' was back, but now missing the 'Doo' on the end, I'm positive he is messing with me?

It gets worse, the mother in law is here, she can bring you to your knees and zap the very life out of you with just one stare, apparently she had an accident last Friday when I was away and fell down a wishing well. I didn't realise those things actually worked?
The mother in law and myself have never really got on, I bought her a chair last Christmas but the wife wouldn't let me plug it in, I do hope she's not going to 
be staying here long, it was bad enough having my own mum around for the day not so long ago.

Johns ok though, he came around last night banging on the door at 3am. Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
He said to me, 'it's 3am in the morning and I can't sleep' I said, 'well you can come in here John and have a go on my bagpipes if you like?'
He just wandered off shaking his head in an odd sort of way, maybe John's an insomniac, he did look very tired.

Tomorrow I'm planning on plugging up all the holes in the garden and seeing if letting the chickens roam around the garden will improve the situation with Puffball.

I don't really want to be in the house if I can help it!


----------



## robin416

So, when are you going to talk the publisher or the producer to get this tale out where all can read or watch and learn that all is not well in your head? 

I think Puffball might be a very good judge of character and just might be collaborating with the wife. John might be subliminaly giving them ideas on what to try next. It's time for you to start paying attention to those three.


----------



## Poultry Judge

Sooo...maybe one of those survival themed reality shows, with lots of psychological subterfuge. You have described quite the cast of interesting characters and now you have added your mother-in-law to the mix. I wonder what her interaction with Puffball will be like? We shall tune in tomorrow!


----------



## OnlyMe

Well letting the chickens into the garden was a bad idea!

I spent all day yesterday plugging up all the gaps in the garden, I was quite chuffed with myself and thought the chickens will never escape.
The moment I opened the chicken run to let them through, Puffball was like showing a red rag to a bull, he charged towards me at speeds I never imagined possible, my reaction to run wasn't the best idea either as he chased me through the back door and up the stairs, luckily the Mother in Law who was cleaning the house started shrieking and broke Puffballs concentration. I just had enough time to lock my self in the bathroom before Puffball set about her, the fact she had a feather duster in her hand didn't phase Puffball one bit, if it hadn't been for John coming around to see what all the commotion was about then I'm not sure how it would of all panned out.

I did think afterwards maybe John would like Puffball, but the trouble is he only lives next door and that's as close to me as what the chicken coop is anyway. 


John told me not to say anything but he went for a prostate examination yesterday evening, he told me he had never felt so uncomfortable in his whole life. I said to him that I doubt if it would be a comfortable situation for anybody to be honest, he said the first thing that made him feel uneasy was the Barry White CD playing in the doctors surgery. 
I quite like Barry White so I'm not sure what he's on about? He then said he stripped off behind a curtain and asked the doctor where he should put his clothing, the doctor told him to put it on the chair next to his?
Anyway the doctor did the examination and left the room, the nurse then came in and said, 'who was that strange chap who just left the room?' apparently he wasn't the doctor at all according to John, I now know what he meant by uncomfortable. 

Well the wife and the Mother in Law aren't speaking to me at all now. Maybe Puffball has done me a favour?


----------



## Poultry Judge

Did Puffball return to the garden? or is he encamped in the house?


----------



## robin416

Or he's decided to join the women's side.


----------



## Poultry Judge

Yes, what Robin said, there is endless room here for psychological drama and suspense!


----------



## robin416

Add psychological warfare to that list.


----------



## OnlyMe

I was thinking about my first ever girlfriend yesterday. I remember walking her home for the very first time and standing at her front door, she gazed into my eyes and said, 
'would you like to stay here tonight?' so I replied, 'no thankyou' and walked off, I wasn't going to stand on her doorstep all night.
As things have not been to good at home I thought I would look at a dating website last night, that was a complete waste of time. A girl living about 30 miles away had written.

Hi I'm Claire and 48 years old living in North London
I like walking going to the cinema and photography I'm looking for a nice man to see if anything develops
I'm medium build light brown hair 5ft 3 green eyes

I thought to myself, 3 green eyes? No wonder she's single!


Well I have some news, Puffball doesn't like the Mother In Law at all, she walked over to the coop yesterday to feed the chickens some scraps and when she opened the gate Puffball went all Bruce Lee on her. She tried to run out, tripped over the bucket and fell on the gate breaking it to bits, then Puffball jumped up and down on her making one heck of a noise.
I did feel that I should rush out and help her but for some reason my legs stopped working at that moment.

She came back in after 10 minutes covered in mud and the wife managed to calm her down and asked her if she had broke anything, 'she's broke the gate' I said before she could speak.
Now I'm left wondering if Puffball likes me better than her? To test this I will need to let him out again into the garden when we are both outside.
The wife and Mother In Law are having a Tea/garden Party next Tuesday with some friends as the forecast is sunny and warm, so I'm thinking this might be the ideal time to test out my theory.


----------



## Overmountain1




----------



## Poultry Judge

Puffball wants to attend the garden party!


----------



## OnlyMe

John said he would pop around this morning at 10am for a coffee, he didn't turn up until midday. I said, 'you're 2 hours late John?', he replied, 'sorry about that but I fell down the stairs', I thought to myself that doesn't take 2 hours?

I've set up a strong, clear fishing line, fixed it to the latch of the gate and laid it down the edge of the garden to the patio, where the tables and chairs are for the garden party tomorrow. I thought if I opened the gate tomorrow then Puffball would automatically chase me, this would never give a clear indication of whether he likes me or the Mother in Law the most.
Plus the fact the church vicar is coming along with some over well to do people for tea and cakes, I didn't want everyone knowing about this theory I'm about to test, it would only get me in more trouble so I will just say that Puffball must of worked out a way to open the gate.

I'm quite excited, I'm pretty certain Puffball will go for the Mother in Law first, but I have my escape route clear in case he comes for me.

Will update with the results after the garden party tomorrow!


----------



## Poultry Judge

If things go poorly, you might approach the Vicar and inquire as to the cost of an exorcism or two.


----------



## Mad_About_Animals

LOLLL LOVING THIS THREAD!!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!


----------



## Overmountain1

Sooooo funny.... thanks for the continued laughs! And thank you Puffball. Does he accept fan mail?


----------



## OnlyMe

Well that experiment went horribly wrong!

My Mother in Law who was so pleased to see the church vicar, took him over to where the Tulips are coming up in abundance this year.
Instead of walking up the garden path she decided to take him directly across the garden via my fishing line which the vicar promptly got his foot tangled in, then went down on the ground quicker than I could get inside of the house to hide.
Puffball, with the gate now open was on top of him like Archangel Gabriel but with all of the aggression of Mike Tyson, and to be honest I've never heard a vicar swear so much all in one breath. 
My Mother in Law tried to untangle the fishing line from the vicars foot and before she knew it was on floor with the vicar. Puffball jumped on both of them until John came running over like Superman, rugby tackled Puffball away from them both and put him back in the coop.


So I sit here writing this from my tree hide, which I've been in for over 24 hours now because I've been thrown out of the house.
A branch at the top of the tree was hitting the top of the tree hide roof all night so I've hardly any sleep, this morning I decided to climb the branches like Tarzan and snap off the offending branch. 
When I was close to the top of the tree I suddenly had a funny turn and froze when I realised just how high up the tree I actually was.
John who saw me from his garden shouted out, 'whatever you do don't look down'

So I started smiling!


----------



## Poultry Judge

Well, if you continue to utilize your tree hide, you need a typewriter, so you can get all this down for posterity, (and the Script). There are so many potential plot directions and devices to consider. For example, Did Puffball spark a romance between the Mother-In-Law and the Vicar? Is Puffball a literal plot representation for the Archangel Gabriel's justice? The Lord moves in mysterious ways! Does the Vicar believe an exorcism is in order, now that he has personally experienced the Old Testament wrath that is Puffball?


----------



## OnlyMe

The other night before the wife kicked me out, her last words were, 'you have 2 faults, the first is you don't listen' and the second one I can't remember?

I'm quite proud of myself because 2 faults isn't too many in the grand scheme of things!


Puffball knows I'm up here living in the hide, he knows I'm cold and hungry, he is so pleased with himself.
The past 2 mornings he has taken to 'cockle doodle doing' none stop from first light until he see's my tired eyes pleading with him to stop.
This encourages him to do it even more whilst running around the pen like he's dead pleased with himself. This action makes the hens squawk and I swear they are 
chuckling at me?

I'm actually starting to dislike Puffball. He has turned my life completely upside down. He doesn't care one bit. As long as Puffball is ok then it doesn't matter if the whole world falls apart. I'm starting to believe he wants the whole planet to himself? Well all except for John that is. He likes John and I'm getting a bit jealous?
I watched John and my wife chatting over the fence last night, they were laughing and getting on a bit to well in my opinion. I started imagining John and my wife running away together. I hope that never happens because I would really miss John!

Things were quite good before Puffball came along, My wife and I were quite close. The night before I picked Puffball up for example, she laid across the bed in her silk nightie with her arms open wide and said, 'you know what I want don't you?' and I replied, 'the whole flipping bed by the look of it'.
For her birthday last year I purchased her a trampoline and secretly replaced it for the bed.
She hit the roof!

Well I better try and get some sleep I guess...


----------



## Poultry Judge

Are you still in the tree hide?


----------



## OnlyMe

I never realised how noisy the wild birds are since I've been living in the tree hide. 
As the sun goes down, or is coming up, then it really seems like the birds turn up the volume, I've come to the conclusion that they just argue amongst themselves and are telling each other to 'shut up'? 
There are some birds though that do sound like they are really happy, and whistle some tuneful little melodies, I guess I would do that as well if I knew that I didn't have to go to
work. 
Puffball is still carrying on in his usual manner, if I didn't know any better then I would say he is behind this increased volume of noise with the wild birds, I did used to sleep
in the house with the windows open a few times when it was hot, and the birds were never this loud?
The chickens are dead to the world when the sun goes down, last night I decided to give Puffball a dose of his own medicine and run around the outside of the coop making the same racket as he does whilst stamping my feat, and yet he did not stir one bit? Not even a faint cluck? After 10 minutes I gave up as my Mother In Law and wife were watching me
out of the window. 
I do hope the Mother in Law goes home soon, it's not that long till Halloween and it will be really frightening living in this tree hide knowing she is circling me overhead on her 
broomstick.
I am allowed back in the house to use the cooker which is good and bad, tonight I had a pizza which was a disaster, the instructions said, 'please place in oven at 180 degrees for 25 minutes'. 
When I took it out of the oven all of the toppings and cheese had fallen off.

Instructions drive me up the wall, at least they said 'please' I suppose. 

I asked John last night if I could borrow some books as it gets a bit boring at night time in the hide, I said, 'John have you got any books I can borrow by Shakespeare' he replied, 'which one' So I said, 'William' in an annoyed tone! 
I'm staring to think Puffball and John get on so well because they both have infinite space between there ears.

Well I'm going to try and get some sleep now as it's really late.


----------



## Poultry Judge

Well there might be a Shakespearean plot involving the Mother in Law for your screenplay!


----------



## OnlyMe

For the first time ever my wife actually apologised to me this morning, she said that she was deeply sorry that she ever married me! 

The wife and Mother in Law are going on holiday to France, if anybody reading this is from France then I'm very sorry, but it's only for a week.
The Mother in Law does not drive anymore ever since she run over the cat, it was asleep on our sofa at the time, she mistook the clutch for the brake pedal and ended up in the middle of our living room floor, I think she must of been excited coming to visit us! 
Anyway they go next Wednesday morning so I've dropped them both at the airport already.
The last time I was on a plane was 5 years ago now with the wife. She fell asleep over Canada so I thought I would wake her up wearing the oxygen mask and life vest. 
For some reason she started screaming. That was the day I leant that one person screaming on a plane sets off all the other passengers screaming as well.
THIS only works on a plane, it does not work in the local library. You just get told to shut up in there.
I'd gone to the Library to borrow a book on English Grammar but someone had already tookened it out.

Anyway I'm off to talk to Puffball, I have made a picnic and got my leather gardening suit with rubber wellington boots, gloves and welders mask on.
It's quite cool tonight so I wont have to take it off like last time! I'm not sure whether I should take him a beer?

Me and Puffball will become friends!


----------



## robin416

This only gets better. Go Puffball!


----------



## Overmountain1

Always the lol here. I'm so glad one rooster causes all this drama...


----------



## OnlyMe

The wife said that making love on holiday is much better than at home.
It wasn't the kind of postcard I was expecting to be honest? Whilst I'm on the subject of post I had a large letter delivered yesterday morning with 'DO NOT BEND' written on it in big blue letters. It is still sat on the floor now until I figure out how to pick it up.

The headlight on my car has packed up as well, I rang the car auto parts centre yesterday and said, 'Hello, do you have a headlight bulb for the drivers side of my car?'
the chap replied, what is it for?' so I said, 'so I can see in the dark when I'm driving'.
What on earth does he think it's for? I'm hardly going to use it as an umbrella am I. What is wrong with people, are they really that dense?
I was reading in the paper that 95% of the population have trouble with basic mathematics, I must be one of the very few people in the other 6%.

I am making headway with Puffball (hooray) I have found that if I crawl around the coop on my hands and knees whilst keeping my head down to the ground he is absolutely fine, if I raise my head and look up at the sky after a couple of minutes he doesn't seem to mind that either, he walks around me constantly making funny clucking noises. The problem starts as soon as I get up to my feet, it's then he adopts his Bruce Lee mentality.
I feel like this is major progress though it is difficult opening the gate and letting myself in on my hands and knees, especially whilst carrying a picnic which has turned 
into a every day occurrence.

John's not to happy at the moment, he is still having trouble with his haemorrhoids.
He went to the doctors again and said that the doctor was very chatty, the doctor at one point said, 'John, did you know Mercury has crossed over in to Uranus?'
John replied, 'Sorry doctor but I'm not in to any of that Astronomy stuff'. The doctor said, 'neither am I , by thermometer just broke!'

Poor old John...


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## Poultry Judge

What does Puffball eat in his picnic?


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## OnlyMe

I've had a major breakthrough...

When I enter the chicken run, via the gate and on my hands and knees, I drag in a picnic basket under my stomach. 
It's not an easy manoeuvre by far, but at least I can now do this without having to be dressed up in all my protective armour.
Puffball comes over and I keep my face close to the ground, I then open the wicker, picnic basket and drop bits of food on the ground, I keep my face approximately 4 inches from the ground at all times. 
Puffball keeps his head close to mine whilst the other chickens stand back and watch. I wondered why they do this but I think I've found out why.

Anyway the bits of food I drop to the ground I then flick out towards him, these can be bits of cheese, cucumber, salmon, tuna, prawns, lettuce. 
Cheese and onion crisps, rich tea biscuits, digestive biscuits and ice cream. 

Last night the hens (and Darren) got a little bit to close, Puffball cocked his wing to the ground as if he was holding a golf club.
When he adopted this stance all of the hens and Darren took a few steps back. It was then that I could see the fear in there eyes. Puffball must of wacked them all with his wing before and they know they will fall like skittles in a Bowling ally. One good hit with Puffballs wing and they would probably all end up with their beaks embedded in the wire mesh surrounding the chicken run.

Last night I picked a Jalapeño chilli pepper from the vegetable patch, and decided I would eat that myself with some cheese. But in the middle of our picnic last night Puffball just snatched the pepper from the picnic basket, he was as quick as lightning!

At first he started to make a funny cooing sound, very similar to pigeon, but then he started to nod his head up and down as if he'd had swallowed a frog.
Then to my amazement he was half running and half flying around the run whilst still nodding his head up and down. Finally he settled by the water bowl and drank as if he had never seen water before?
I stood up and started beating my chest like Tarzan, I thought for a second I had finally cracked it and me and Puffball was on the verge of becoming mates.
But I was a little premature, and as my eyes fell upon Puffballs eyes, he was standing there with his wing cocked to the ground and what looked like fire coming out of his nose, I swear he was mimicking a dragon....

So with that I run out of the chicken run screaming rather loudly!


But the drama didn't stop there. 
John phoned the police, he thought somebody was being attacked. 
And It was only the same policeman who had been here before saying Puffball had been seen chasing a kid on a bike, and I had replied to the policeman that Puffball didn't own a bike.
Anyway, the same policeman said to me, 'We've had a report of an attack, could you tell me where you were between 7 and 8?' 

and I replied, 'Probably at school'.


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## robin416

It's always good to have a good laugh in the evening. Thank you.


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## Poultry Judge

Does anyone require bail?


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## robin416

Poultry Judge said:


> Does anyone require bail?


LOL


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## Poultry Judge

Hey, I went to college in England and Ireland. Some nights you just need a little bail money.


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## robin416

Goes to show colleges are not much different no matter what country they're in.


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## Poultry Judge

I stand by my edumacation.


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## Poultry Judge

Don't worry, Puffball is no stool pigeon, he'll never squawk! There's not a jail cell that can hold him!


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