# Mother



## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

I have to vent and there's no one else to listen! I commited myself to take my mother to the plant section at HD today. Yesterday I get a call from dad to come over asap because my mother is having a panic attack. So I get over there and the panic is over. Problem is my father thinks he's the only sane one in the world and therefore should be in control, and my mother can't stand it and cries to me all the time about how controlling he is, and my or anyone's advice goes right out the door. I think she loves being a martyr.

My father repeats at her to be careful all day . (I would hurt him LOL) but my mother has falls and does stupid things and refuses to use a walker or a cane. So I said to her how can you be so annoyed at his "reminders" all day when you don't even use your walker or cane? How about dad says "be careful" twice a day and you (mom) use your aids? 

My parents are in their 80's and dad has one replaced knee. My mother can't walk across lawn without falling. My mom wants to buy plants and my father says "that's fine but remember I may only be able to put a few in a day" That's why mom blew up. 

Anyway, they are both at fault, and there are many things mom could do to not participate like walk away or turn off her hearing aid. I hate going over there. They both try to convince me that they're right. I don't want to be in the middle. I do not want to hear about her bowel problems down to the last detail. I do not want to hear about how helpless she is. She's also started picking on her grand/great grand kids for idiotic things. One is gay so mom thinks she's disgusting. My middle granddaughter is an instigator (sibling BS). They splash too much in the pool (my grandkids use it twice a year). I defend them all. They are all kids being kids. 

I hope I survive today. Thanks for listening. No wonder I love my chickens and my horse. It takes so little to make them happy. It's such a simple relationship. 

I dread today. I'll be picking her up for a bit of plant shopping and be "stuck" with her and her gripes for hours. I can't deal with it. Then , I know she's going to hit me with "what's for lunch?"


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

I almost survived the day. I picked her up and we went to Lowe's garden center. Got out and back to the car and I asked her if she wanted to stop for a donut and coffee. We get back to her house and she walks around to the garage door to open the motorized door. Then I hear "help me!!!" She fell in the garage and hit her head and got a nice one inch wound. It looked worse than it really was. I cleaned her up and waited another hour for my father to come back from the racetrack. 

With only 10 feet to go to make it thru the day, bam! 

My mom is 81 and has no balance whatsoever. She needs a wheelchair. My father needs to clear out some furniture and put her in a wheel chair. If he doesn'T i'll threaten him with social services for an unsafe house. I'll put the fear of g_d in him. A walker won'T do it. So I am completely drained from today and spent a few hours with the chickens and cleaned out my toolbox with my 2 feathered gardening pals.


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

They know how to press our buttons for sure. My mom is 92 and is in an assisted living facility. She has refused to use a walker or cane resulting in numerous falls. The meat wagon is called and off she goes to the hospital ER every time. Her skin is very thin and tears easily, she takes a blood thinner too. So you can imagine what she looks like all wrapped up in non stick bandages as well as all the x-rays, CT scans checking for fractures etc...

My mom hasnt been eating for awhile now and her prognosis isnt good. It looks like she's on her way out. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Wow. Thanks for sharing that. They just don'T get it. 
Isn'T it expensive for assisted living?


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

seminolewind said:


> Wow. Thanks for sharing that. They just don'T get it.
> Isn'T it expensive for assisted living?


It costs an arm and a leg.


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## chickenqueen (Jan 9, 2016)

Hang in there,they won't be around for ever.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

How do you afford it, Dawg?


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Well mom went and done it again! Today she fell and broke her humorus. (between shoulder and elbow).. That's 2 serious falls in 3 days. I hope we have a good backup plan.


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

seminolewind said:


> Well mom went and done it again! Today she fell and broke her humorus. (between shoulder and elbow).. That's 2 serious falls in 3 days. I hope we have a good backup plan.


Make sure the hospital knows that she falls regularly. They cannot release her to an unsafe environment - that means she should get a visit from the home health person (hopefully you have them in Fla) annd they can put some safety stuff in place.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

My dad will have to do something. And my sister called me ranting about mom needing supervision or a walker or something. 

But I think it will turn out more like Dawg's mom where no matter what you do or say, she will figure out how to fall anyway.


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

seminolewind said:


> My dad will have to do something. And my sister called me ranting about mom needing supervision or a walker or something.
> 
> But I think it will turn out more like Dawg's mom where no matter what you do or say, she will figure out how to fall anyway.


Yes, I'm sure she will. Even in hospital they have the 'right to fall' - bloody stupid idea! We were not allowed to restrained them for safety, but if they fell all hell broke loose - where were you, why weren't you watching blah, blah, blah....
It's very hard when they won't take advice or use an aid of some kind to help - they think it means they're getting old and frightened of losing their independence..so sad. I'm going to take a long winter walk when I get to that stage....


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

seminolewind said:


> How do you afford it, Dawg?


I sold my moms house, remember? Plus she had some money saved. Eventually it'll run out, then it's medicaid. Then she'll have to be moved to the senior care center in Brunswick.


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

boskelli1571 said:


> It's very hard when they won't take advice or use an aid of some kind to help - they think it means they're getting old and frightened of losing their independence..so sad. I'm going to take a long winter walk when I get to that stage....


You are absolutely correct Sue. At 92, my mom said those exact same words, "getting old." They would rather take a fall than than be seen with a cane or walker.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Well, the hospital was going to discharge her (!!!!) But her doc showed up. She is not mentally in the present. She has her arm in an immobilizer. My father has gone above and beyond with her for the past year. She's been verbally abusive to him badly, and has been. I don't like siding with my dad but he has taken her verbal abuse for long enough. 

Their doc was on her way to her room and dad met him. After seeing her, he's recommending rehab due to her arm and then assisted living. Probably a nice way of saying nursing home. She is not safe . But like Dawg means is that it doesn't matter who's around. Someone can be just around the corner and she falls. She won't use a walker or a cane. You'Re right Boskelli about hospitals and restraints. 

I guess it will be the same way, savings, house, then medicaid.


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

Karen, medicare and medicaid wont pay for assisted living. Medicaid pays for long term nursing care. Long term nursing home insurance is too expensive. They have to be put in a skilled nursing facility in order to qualify for medicaid, not assisted living. Key word is skilled nursing facility.
Putting it bluntly; medicaid requires them to be broke. They are only allowed 2k a year, no assets including the house, UNLESS her husband still lives in it. They do a 5 year look back at assets and monies in her name. All her retirement income including social security will go to the state (except 2k a year.)
Medicare A&B with another insurance pays for the usual stuff like doctors. labs,hospitals etc...


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

seminolewind said:


> Well, the hospital was going to discharge her (!!!!) But her doc showed up. She is not mentally in the present. She has her arm in an immobilizer. My father has gone above and beyond with her for the past year. She's been verbally abusive to him badly, and has been. I don't like siding with my dad but he has taken her verbal abuse for long enough.
> 
> Their doc was on her way to her room and dad met him. After seeing her, he's recommending rehab due to her arm and then assisted living. Probably a nice way of saying nursing home. She is not safe . But like Dawg means is that it doesn't matter who's around. Someone can be just around the corner and she falls. She won't use a walker or a cane. You'Re right Boskelli about hospitals and restraints.
> 
> I guess it will be the same way, savings, house, then medicaid.


It's always sad when this happens. I'm sure you are prepared for the enormous guilt trip she may lay on you...your Dad sounds like he needs a rest, it will do him the world of good.


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## chickenqueen (Jan 9, 2016)

Karen,how is your dad taking it?Will he be ok home alone?


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

My dad will be good alone at home after he accepts the fact that mom won't be home. They have a small dog. And dad keeps himself busy which is great. He seems to be one that will live a long time.


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## chickenqueen (Jan 9, 2016)

Has anyone told mom yet?She obviously needs care you can't give at home.I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for all the money in the world.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

She positively needs 24 hour "sitter" . we cant all do it. I won't do it. I think it's too early to tell her she may never go home. I think the best thing right now is to tell her that rehab will be a long time and by that time hopefully it will be easier to say.


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

Perhaps a live in caretaker might be your answer. Sharon did it with her mom.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

i doubt medicare will cover long term home care. G_d bless people who do that for a living.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

i told my dad, who has an itablet now is the time for you to put it to good use and use it to learn things.


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

seminolewind said:


> i doubt medicare will cover long term home care. G_d bless people who do that for a living.


I did it for 5 years with my previous wife, tube fed her too. Seeing doctors, all the tests 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes 2 appointments in one day. After her death, I was lost, no one to take care of...it had become a way of life. It was kind of like, "what do I do now?"

I have nothing but the UTMOST respect for caretakers. We had one for my mom for 2 years, and the poor lady was at the end of her rope with my mom and I paid her well.
After I put my mom in the nursing home, I promised the lady that after I sold my moms house, I'd give her a brand new lawn tractor that I purchased to mow my moms yard and also give her $1,000 cash for all the grief my mom gave her.
She said it wasnt necessary but I kept my promise and gave her the lawn tractor and cash. She was very grateful.
I see what the caregivers go through at the assisted living facility where my mom is at....gotta have a soft compassionate heart dealing with the residents.
God bless caregivers.


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

dawg53 said:


> I did it for 5 years with my previous wife, tube fed her too. Seeing doctors, all the tests 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes 2 appointments in one day. After her death, I was lost, no one to take care of...it had become a way of life. It was kind of like, "what do I do now?"
> 
> I have nothing but the UTMOST respect for caretakers. We had one for my mom for 2 years, and the poor lady was at the end of her rope with my mom and I paid her well.
> After I put my mom in the nursing home, I promised the lady that after I sold my moms house, I'd give her a brand new lawn tractor that I purchased to mow my moms yard and also give her $1,000 cash for all the grief my mom gave her.
> ...


Those caregivers do not get paid enough for what they go through. Between the nursing admin always wanting to cut budget and relatives who can't be bothered to visit but want everything NOW for their relative and scream bloody murder if Grandma falls.... You're right Dawg - God bless them


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

You hit the nail on the head with the hammer! Well said Sue.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

I respect them so much. In 20 years as an RN working with neonates, (which has its own unique problems) I've never taken care of an adult and I've always been in awe of their emotional strength. It takes a special person to care for adults, especially the older ones.


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## chickenqueen (Jan 9, 2016)

My very first real job was as an aide at a nursing home.I was 18 yo and had NO clue what I was getting into.After the initial shock,I came to love it and went to school and became an LPN.I got lucky and found my calling early.You wanna know something funny-I learned to love the elderly and still do but to this day I still don't like babies and small children,I couldn't learn to love them(except my two!!!).I'm not sure why considering there are a lot of similarities.I guess I'm weird.


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

chickenqueen said:


> My very first real job was as an aide at a nursing home.I was 18 yo and had NO clue what I was getting into.After the initial shock,I came to love it and went to school and became an LPN.I got lucky and found my calling early.You wanna know something funny-I learned to love the elderly and still do but to this day I still don't like babies and small children,I couldn't learn to love them(except my two!!!).I'm not sure why considering there are a lot of similarities.I guess I'm weird.


Not so weird! I was an Emergency nurse for 28 years - I loved the 'old people' always interesting and always grateful so full of knowledge. Although I was also a PICU charge nurse for a few years, I never got to really 'like' children in general. Every now and then there would be a special one, but in todays' world I found them snotty, disrespectful etc. and the parents think it's cute....


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

I'm glad my kids are grown and gone this day and time. Back in the day if my kids mouthed off at their mom or another adult....it was curtains. There was paddling in schools back then, kids said yes mam or no mam. Nowadays corporal punishment isnt allowed and kids have diarrhea of the mouth...no respect. They teach the kids to call social services if a hand is laid on them. Parents hands are tied. They are made to take the kid to a shrink. There's a difference between child abuse and discipline.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

I could never do PICU. NICU is a whole different ball game. It's all about babies who haven't gone home yet, especially preemies-that I've had down to a pound and lived to walk and talk. All your skills are used , and a nurse is somewhat in charge of everything for that baby: calorie intake, respiratory support, etc, like an ICU just smaller patients. A lot of parent teaching.

I got burned out down here because 2/3 of the patients were withdrawing from drugs, so it was screaming babies all night . 

Moving down here I should have followed my heart and retrained to labor and delivery. I liked that a lot.

Elderly are great to yak with. They do know so much about life and it's fun to hear about their life way back when.


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## dawg53 (Aug 25, 2015)

I saw my mom today. The head CNA said her BP was low, not drinking water, not able to take her meds, not speaking at all. She said my mom may live for another 3 days. I'm giving her a week.

My mom was able to hear what I was saying. She was laying on her side when I was talking to her. I told her that after she dies, I'm next. She nodded her head up and down...I about fell out of the chair laughing so hard! She managed to get a final jab at me!


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Glad you had a nice visit.


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

dawg53 said:


> I saw my mom today. The head CNA said her BP was low, not drinking water, not able to take her meds, not speaking at all. She said my mom may live for another 3 days. I'm giving her a week.
> 
> My mom was able to hear what I was saying. She was laying on her side when I was talking to her. I told her that after she dies, I'm next. She nodded her head up and down...I about fell out of the chair laughing so hard! She managed to get a final jab at me!


Sorry to hear that Dawg, but it seems she hasn't lost her sense of humor


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## chickenqueen (Jan 9, 2016)

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother.


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Mom was moved to rehab. I could see her returning home if she swears to stay in a wheelchair unless assisted, and dad clears up the house of rugs and some of the furniture, and maybe an aide for x hours every day. The chair should have a pressure alarm button (YES!). And my dad would have to turn a deaf ear to her when she's spewing nastiness, and not give in to her "I want this and I want that". His controlling personality has been a negative all these years and maybe now it can be put to good use.

And he may have to take advantage of respite care, maybe have a regular set day or days per week. And being in a wheel chair would mean having to be walked several times a day to keep her muscle tone. 

The wheelchair may need a lock and key, LOL. 

I will also have to tell dad that I am not a sitter. When I was a teen I hid from the neighbor when she needed a sitter. I have no patience to be anyone's sitter and never have. I won't do it. 

I do have to say that this episode has brought out a lot of past resentment of my sister's that I never knew she had. Especially about my mother. I have a lot of resentment towards my father over the years. I'm glad my sister and I can finally talk about it and know where it comes from. It's good that we have eachother and a good relationship and understand eachother. 

This could be a plan if there's a chance she could come home. Comments?


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## Laila (Mar 25, 2018)

How do I post on here?


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Laila said:


> How do I post on here?


Hi . Laila, you just did! Click on forums up top of this page. Click on a subject category. Click on a thread and add your post at the end of the thread. Press "post reply" right under your post.


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## boskelli1571 (Oct 30, 2017)

seminolewind said:


> Mom was moved to rehab. I could see her returning home if she swears to stay in a wheelchair unless assisted, and dad clears up the house of rugs and some of the furniture, and maybe an aide for x hours every day. The chair should have a pressure alarm button (YES!). And my dad would have to turn a deaf ear to her when she's spewing nastiness, and not give in to her "I want this and I want that". His controlling personality has been a negative all these years and maybe now it can be put to good use.
> 
> And he may have to take advantage of respite care, maybe have a regular set day or days per week. And being in a wheel chair would mean having to be walked several times a day to keep her muscle tone.
> 
> ...


Wow! What a question....I think it boils down to what you feel you are all comfortable with. You know it's going to be a rough guilt trip for all of you - are you mentally up for it - especially your Dad?
In my limited experience with respite care it was always a long wait for an available bed....maybe Fla is better at it than NY state.
Something else to think about, if she comes home and you all decide you can't deal with it, it is very hard to get her back into a 'care' situation. You can't just drop her off at the hospital and finding a bed for an elderly long term patient is akin to finding the pot of gold at the rainbows end.
I'm sorry I'm sounding negative but I have seen more than my share of families at their wits end and not getting any help from the state at all.
You should get in touch with the social services at the hospital/rehab place and see what they can offer you if Mom goes home. Don't rush into this and don't let them hound you to take her..good luck Karen, I don't envy you


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Hi Sue. You don't sound negative, there's all sorts of considerations.

My father is going to have to think about what he's capable of. And no my sister and I will not be taking turns sitting with her. There's things I will no longer be guilted into. 

I don't know about my dad but he should think about caring for someone who says nasty things to him all day and bitches all day and he can't go out and leave her home because she may be sneaky and get out of her wheel chair and fall. 

I may sound mean about not being a sitter but I know where my capabilities end .


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## chickenqueen (Jan 9, 2016)

Let me suggest some rehab care first.Things will be the same if she goes home now.Your father and her can learn to do things in a different way,decreasing the chances for falls and major injuries and identify hazards at home .A home health aid/nurse is an excellent way to get professional help at home.


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## Maryellen (Jan 21, 2015)

Is it possible she has the beginnings of dementia with her nasty behavior?


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## seminole wind (Aug 22, 2015)

Yes, there's dementia involved.
CQ, rehab is a yes. But teaching her new ways is not going to help due to the dementia. It doesn't seem like she remembers anything told to her. She just can't be trusted . She's been going to rehab for the past few years working on balance issues, but it doesn't do any good. I think a home health care aide is needed, hopefully for a few hours every day or so to give my dad a break.


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